Raw Birthday Thoughts - Why Am I Even Alive? Dealing with Discouragement and Disappointment | John Giftah

0:01 Speaker 1: Do you ever look around and think, Wow, the world

0:05 Speaker 1: is a crazy place and it just seems to get

0:08 Speaker 1: crazier and crazier. Ease your mind and take a break.

0:13 Speaker 1: This is Fuel for the Soul with John Gifta. We're

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0:27 Speaker 1: the life that you were created for. Your host is

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0:35 Speaker 1: aerospace engineer, life coach, evangelist, and founder of John Gifta International.

0:41 Speaker 1: Welcome to Fuel for the Soul with John Gifta.

0:49 Speaker 2: Hello everyone here, I am on my birthday, Eve, and

0:52 Speaker 2: I just wanted to share this word out to you

0:56 Speaker 2: on this edition of the Field for the solo John

0:58 Speaker 2: gift of podcast. I just want to pour out things

1:01 Speaker 2: from my heart, and I just believe that you know,

1:03 Speaker 2: the place that I'm in right now, I feel is

1:06 Speaker 2: going to minister to some of you. I'm just going

1:08 Speaker 2: to be raw in some of the words that I'm

1:11 Speaker 2: going to use about what I feel because I just

1:14 Speaker 2: want it to be a blessing. I don't want to

1:15 Speaker 2: sugarcoat anything. I don't want to say that the one

1:18 Speaker 2: in front of you who's speaking to you, whether you're

1:21 Speaker 2: watching this on YouTube or whether you're listening to this

1:24 Speaker 2: on any of the podcast platforms. I don't want you

1:26 Speaker 2: to think that, you know what, you know, maybe I'm

1:28 Speaker 2: having the best life out there, or to the fact

1:31 Speaker 2: that you know, I'm living my dreams, or everything is

1:33 Speaker 2: going well, or it's your birthday, you should be in

1:35 Speaker 2: a very happy mood and things like that, and I

1:38 Speaker 2: just want to share with you guys, you know that

1:40 Speaker 2: I'm in a season of you know, great setbacks after setbacks,

1:45 Speaker 2: rejections of the rejections, closed doors at the closed doors,

1:49 Speaker 2: going through a lot of things in my personal life,

1:51 Speaker 2: and with regard to even the ministry, a lot of

1:54 Speaker 2: things that I hoped and expected to happen I'm just

1:58 Speaker 2: not you know, really furnished out well, or even with

2:02 Speaker 2: regard to various other aspects. With regard to, you know,

2:05 Speaker 2: the fact that I'm still a Christian single waiting for

2:07 Speaker 2: the right person to step into my life, or whether

2:10 Speaker 2: it's in the area of my career that I'm praying for,

2:14 Speaker 2: you know, doors that would open to a fact where

2:16 Speaker 2: I would also be able to you know, continue doing

2:19 Speaker 2: this ministry stuff because I want to tell you guys,

2:22 Speaker 2: you know, I work in a full time job and

2:23 Speaker 2: I run the ministry. But the thing is this, you know,

2:25 Speaker 2: I need an opportunity that will enable me to do

2:29 Speaker 2: this in an effective manner because the ministry expenses are soaring.

2:35 Speaker 2: If you guys know what it is about. You know

2:38 Speaker 2: it's not easy to do what I do. You know,

2:40 Speaker 2: I have these podcasts and social media, television, ministry, YouTube,

2:45 Speaker 2: and I travel and preach. So I'm really praying that,

2:48 Speaker 2: you know, God would really show up and show out

2:50 Speaker 2: in various areas of my life. And when I was

2:52 Speaker 2: just thinking about this, honest thoughts that were coming into

2:55 Speaker 2: my mind when I was thinking about this birthday. I'm

2:58 Speaker 2: supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be grateful, and

3:00 Speaker 2: I am grateful, and I say thank you Jesus for

3:03 Speaker 2: enabling me to do what I'm doing. Even right now,

3:05 Speaker 2: I'm able to record. I have a microphone. I'm able

3:08 Speaker 2: to record on this device. I'm able to send out

3:11 Speaker 2: put my voice out there, no matter how many of

3:13 Speaker 2: you are listening or watching. I'm able to do what

3:16 Speaker 2: I'm able to do, or I or even certain blessings

3:21 Speaker 2: in my life that I'm grateful for, you know, hitting

3:23 Speaker 2: one million views on the YouTube channel recently. But in

3:26 Speaker 2: spite of all of this, you know, there are big

3:29 Speaker 2: areas where I'm still fighting, you know, going through a

3:32 Speaker 2: lot of hurdles, and I'm in a season of you know,

3:36 Speaker 2: great discouragement, to a point where I was like, God,

3:39 Speaker 2: why am I even alive? You know what is happening?

3:42 Speaker 2: You know, like I know, I know, I've readen a

3:44 Speaker 2: book here as you can see behind me right like

3:46 Speaker 2: a purpose, unreally purpose, you know. I believe that God

3:50 Speaker 2: has a purpose for me. I believe God has a

3:53 Speaker 2: plan for me. But but the truth is, I'm in

3:55 Speaker 2: that season of you know, like deep discouragement and setbacks

3:59 Speaker 2: and rejections and being overlooked and going through you know,

4:04 Speaker 2: a very you know, like roller coaster ride you know,

4:09 Speaker 2: of my life, you know what I mean. So even

4:12 Speaker 2: when I was thinking about the birthday, I'm supposed to

4:14 Speaker 2: be excited, I'm supposed to celebrate, I'm supposed to be joyful,

4:17 Speaker 2: But in the back of my mind, I'm just not

4:20 Speaker 2: like in a position where I was like, God, what

4:22 Speaker 2: is happening? I trust you, I depend on you. I

4:25 Speaker 2: should be grateful to you for all the blessings that

4:28 Speaker 2: I can see and I cannot see. But in spite

4:31 Speaker 2: of that, you know, the overwhelming feeling of you know,

4:34 Speaker 2: fighting and praying and trusting in God, and you know,

4:38 Speaker 2: being ridiculed and mocked for my faith. People ask me

4:41 Speaker 2: all the time, Oh, you keep saying you pray, you pray,

4:44 Speaker 2: you keep saying God, God, But look at your life.

4:47 Speaker 2: It's such a mess. What is going on with your life?

4:49 Speaker 2: You know? Or when you have people asking questions like

4:53 Speaker 2: what's the point? How do you know God is leading you?

4:55 Speaker 2: How do you know God is trust you know? Really

4:58 Speaker 2: you know? You know called you? Or why is your

5:01 Speaker 2: life like this? You know you're supposed to be the

5:03 Speaker 2: star and things like that. But can I tell you something, Guys,

5:06 Speaker 2: I want you to understand. I'm just being honest and

5:09 Speaker 2: just saying this to you. You know, in the midst

5:12 Speaker 2: of all of this feeling like God, why am I

5:15 Speaker 2: even alive? Or why is why is my birthday even there?

5:19 Speaker 2: Like I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm just not.

5:22 Speaker 2: And in the midst of all of this, I was

5:24 Speaker 2: just I was just you know, reminded of some things

5:27 Speaker 2: I would just want to share first things. First, I

5:29 Speaker 2: want to share that if you're feeling like that, you're

5:31 Speaker 2: not alone. If you're feeling like that, you don't have

5:34 Speaker 2: to feel discouraged or you don't have to feel condemned

5:38 Speaker 2: for feeling that way. You know, sometimes people say, Oh,

5:41 Speaker 2: you're a preacher. How can you feel like that? You're

5:43 Speaker 2: a preacher. How can you have depression? You're a minister

5:47 Speaker 2: of the gospel, you have all of these fancy stuff

5:49 Speaker 2: happening in your life. How can you still not be

5:52 Speaker 2: rejoicing like you're supposed to. I'm being honest with you, right, Like,

5:56 Speaker 2: I'm just being honest with you, Like, as a human

5:59 Speaker 2: it is perfectly fine to not be okay sometimes, you know.

6:03 Speaker 2: Don't allow people to put this unrealistic expectation of pressure

6:08 Speaker 2: on you to be like, you know, this perfect Joe,

6:11 Speaker 2: you know, perfect in faith all the time. You know.

6:15 Speaker 2: I want to share a scripture to you, and I'm

6:16 Speaker 2: want to take this forward. If you look at the

6:18 Speaker 2: you know, Psalms thirteen, this is what it is. I'm

6:20 Speaker 2: just going to read it to you from the Nalty version.

6:22 Speaker 2: But the Psalmist is saying, Oh Lord, how long will

6:26 Speaker 2: you forget me? Forever. How long will you look the

6:29 Speaker 2: other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in

6:32 Speaker 2: my heart, with sorrow in my heart every day? How

6:35 Speaker 2: long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and

6:39 Speaker 2: answer me? Oh Lord, my God, restore the sparkle to

6:43 Speaker 2: my eyes, or I will die. Don't let my enemies

6:46 Speaker 2: gloat saying we have defeated him. Don't let them rejoice

6:50 Speaker 2: at my downfall. You know, see, the Psalmist is open

6:53 Speaker 2: before God and saying, how long will you forget me? No,

6:57 Speaker 2: if I say something like that, or if you say that,

6:59 Speaker 2: it will be some Christian Nazis who will say, oh,

7:02 Speaker 2: you don't trust God. God said, I will never leave

7:04 Speaker 2: you now for sake, I will never forget you, even

7:06 Speaker 2: if your own mother forgets you. They quote all these

7:08 Speaker 2: scriptures to put you down. But here's the point. You see.

7:12 Speaker 2: The Psalmist was feeling that God, have you forgotten me?

7:16 Speaker 2: How long will you forget me? How long will you

7:18 Speaker 2: look the other way? In other sense, I want you

7:20 Speaker 2: to understand that you know you don't have to hide

7:21 Speaker 2: up you feel the Psalmist felt like how you feel

7:26 Speaker 2: my prayers seem like nothing is happening. What's the point

7:29 Speaker 2: of praying day after day, week after week, year after year,

7:33 Speaker 2: decade after decade, praying and not seeing a result. You

7:36 Speaker 2: may feel like that you're saying, what is the point?

7:39 Speaker 2: I was just looking at it that you know, this

7:41 Speaker 2: is the thirteenth year of the ministry, and I'm like God,

7:43 Speaker 2: you know, there are people who start in thirteen months

7:46 Speaker 2: their ministry source like Egal and I'm running the ministry

7:49 Speaker 2: for thirteen years and it's still scratching the surface, and

7:52 Speaker 2: I'm like, God, what is happening with my life? I'm

7:55 Speaker 2: just being honest with you. I'm just being open with you. You know,

7:58 Speaker 2: that's the way I want you to be opened before

8:00 Speaker 2: God and say, God, you know what, this is how

8:02 Speaker 2: discouraged I feel. This is how this depressed I feel.

8:05 Speaker 2: This is what I feel that you have forgotten me,

8:08 Speaker 2: that you are not answering my prayers. And it is

8:11 Speaker 2: okay to be honest before God. I want to tell

8:14 Speaker 2: you be honest before Him. And it's amazing that right

8:19 Speaker 2: after saying all of this, this ps armist goes on

8:21 Speaker 2: to say, but I choose to trust in your unfailing love,

8:25 Speaker 2: I will rejoice because you have rescued me. It's not

8:28 Speaker 2: because God has already rescued him, but he is going

8:31 Speaker 2: into the faith mode. He says, I will sing to

8:34 Speaker 2: the Lord because he is good to me. Today. I

8:36 Speaker 2: want to tell you something. In the midst of the pain,

8:39 Speaker 2: I shared my burden out to God. I just said, God,

8:41 Speaker 2: you know what, this is how frustrated I feel about life.

8:44 Speaker 2: I'm not excited about the birthday. I'm so so so frustrated. God.

8:49 Speaker 2: You know, why are you not answering my prayer in

8:52 Speaker 2: this area? Why do I feel like my life is

8:55 Speaker 2: such a mess God? Why is it that you know what?

8:57 Speaker 2: In spite of everything, I just feel like, in spite

8:59 Speaker 2: of all the first I put, in spite of you know,

9:01 Speaker 2: investing into the ministry for thirteen years, in spite of

9:04 Speaker 2: putting my haul out and trusting in the Lord, why

9:07 Speaker 2: is it that you know my life is in such

9:09 Speaker 2: a messy situation. When I was just pouring out and

9:12 Speaker 2: then I said, God, But in the midst of all

9:14 Speaker 2: of this, I still choose to trust you. I still

9:17 Speaker 2: choose to believe in You, and I want you to

9:20 Speaker 2: do the same. I know you can be open before God,

9:23 Speaker 2: like the psalm is, just pour out your heart. Whatever

9:26 Speaker 2: word comes out of your mouth however you feel like

9:29 Speaker 2: sharing it. Share it. Don't worry about people. People will

9:32 Speaker 2: judge you. They will say you're not trusting God. How

9:35 Speaker 2: dare you speak like that to God? Can I think

9:37 Speaker 2: you something? You and God can have your own lingo.

9:42 Speaker 2: You know how when you look at couples, right, they

9:45 Speaker 2: have their own lingo. Or when you look at close

9:47 Speaker 2: ones friends, they have their own lingo. They don't have

9:51 Speaker 2: to use formal words or sentences. Sometimes just the inside

9:54 Speaker 2: joke or something like that. You can say, right, they

9:56 Speaker 2: have their own lingo. You and God can have your

9:58 Speaker 2: own lingo. You can just pour out your heart and say, God,

10:02 Speaker 2: this is how I feel, this is how messy my

10:05 Speaker 2: life looks. And if you're feeling like that, I don't

10:08 Speaker 2: want to share a word that really encouraged me was

10:12 Speaker 2: I was studying about MEPhI Bushit. Okay, I'm struggling to

10:17 Speaker 2: announce his name. Okay, it's Meffhi Bushit. Yeah, so I

10:23 Speaker 2: wanted to understand when you look at Second Sandwich, chapter four,

10:26 Speaker 2: verse four, Mephist was five years old. And you know

10:30 Speaker 2: when Saul and Jonathan this is actually Jonathan's son, Okay,

10:36 Speaker 2: when they were killed the nanny or you know, the

10:40 Speaker 2: the nurse took him as a five year old and

10:43 Speaker 2: ran to protect him. She had a good intention, but

10:47 Speaker 2: in the process she fell and in that process she

10:50 Speaker 2: dropped him, and he became a cripple. Now I don't

10:53 Speaker 2: know who who feels this way that, you know, this

10:57 Speaker 2: man could have become king, but now he's a crippled okay,

11:02 Speaker 2: and it's not because of him. Somebody had good intention

11:06 Speaker 2: to save him, protect him, but in that good intention

11:10 Speaker 2: also they ended up making dropping him and he's now

11:14 Speaker 2: crippled for life. And when you see David takes over

11:19 Speaker 2: and he sets up the kingdom, he restores the ark

11:23 Speaker 2: of the Covenant, and he does all of these things.

11:25 Speaker 2: And then when you look at World Chaptain nine, David says,

11:31 Speaker 2: is there anyone in King Saul's household that I can

11:34 Speaker 2: show kindness to? Because I made a covenant with Jonathan

11:39 Speaker 2: that I will be good to them. You know, David

11:43 Speaker 2: takes up this tip and and what caught my attention

11:47 Speaker 2: was at that point he gets this information that this guy, MEPHIW.

11:52 Speaker 2: Bouschett is in a place called Low Bedar, okay, low

11:56 Speaker 2: Better and this place is a very desolate place, a wilderness.

12:01 Speaker 2: This is a place he was iniding, hoping that he

12:04 Speaker 2: won't be killed by King David, because he doesn't know

12:07 Speaker 2: what kind of a king David is. And think about this.

12:12 Speaker 2: This guy was in a very desperate state, and I

12:16 Speaker 2: was able to relate a lot with him, and I'm

12:18 Speaker 2: not sure if you might be able to relate with him.

12:20 Speaker 2: At this point, you feel like you're in a very

12:22 Speaker 2: dry place. You feel like nothing is working out. You

12:26 Speaker 2: feel like you're stuck. This man was crippled. You are

12:29 Speaker 2: in shame. You're hiding, you can't be open. You're in

12:33 Speaker 2: a very bitter place. You don't know what's going to happen.

12:37 Speaker 2: You think this is how your life is always going

12:39 Speaker 2: to be. And this happened after a few years. I

12:42 Speaker 2: want you to understand this, because when David took over,

12:46 Speaker 2: he didn't immediately remember the Covenant or immediately come and

12:49 Speaker 2: rescue Mefi worshit. It says that after some time. Why

12:54 Speaker 2: because David had to first restore the kingdom. Because if

12:58 Speaker 2: David's intention initially was to take care of Meffy Bushed,

13:02 Speaker 2: even if he restored everything for mefivershed, the kingdom would

13:05 Speaker 2: have become unstable. See what I'm trying to tell you

13:08 Speaker 2: is this important truth. Guys. See, sometimes there's a delay

13:12 Speaker 2: not because God wants to punish you or wants to

13:15 Speaker 2: put you in a hard place. It's because God wants

13:18 Speaker 2: to establish your environment. Because David had good intention to,

13:23 Speaker 2: you know, restore all that Mefy Bushit lost. He wanted

13:27 Speaker 2: to show kindness to Mefi Bushit and call him into

13:29 Speaker 2: the palace and allow him to sit. But the thing is,

13:32 Speaker 2: he didn't do it right after he took the throne.

13:34 Speaker 2: He did it later because he first established a kingdom

13:38 Speaker 2: and then he kept the heark of the Covenant back.

13:41 Speaker 2: He did all the things in the right order, and

13:44 Speaker 2: then he did this. Why because only then, Like imagine

13:49 Speaker 2: if he had done it in the beginning, even if

13:51 Speaker 2: Mefi Firshit got everything from David, if the kingdom was unstable,

13:56 Speaker 2: you know, the enemies could have taken over and he

13:59 Speaker 2: would have lost everything. So the reason why there's a delay,

14:02 Speaker 2: why you feel you've been forgotten, you're in that desolate place,

14:06 Speaker 2: is because God is establishing or stabilizing your environment. And

14:12 Speaker 2: the second thing why he does that, he's in a

14:15 Speaker 2: place called I forgot that name. Man. It's a very

14:19 Speaker 2: sicky place. It's a place called Lo de Bar. Just

14:24 Speaker 2: the thing, this place is a very desolate place. So

14:28 Speaker 2: even when the enemy is attacked, when there was war

14:31 Speaker 2: against Israel, you know what, this place was in a wilderness,

14:36 Speaker 2: so no one would bother to even go and wage

14:39 Speaker 2: war there. So indirectly, this guy, Mefi Bouschet was being

14:44 Speaker 2: protected by being in that wilderness. If he was in

14:48 Speaker 2: the limelight, he could have been killed, or you know,

14:53 Speaker 2: if he was in Jerusalem, if he was in the

14:55 Speaker 2: main vicinity instead of being in this wilderness. Even the

15:01 Speaker 2: enemies could have used him for their own personal gain,

15:04 Speaker 2: you know, like try to manipulate or try to you know,

15:09 Speaker 2: use him to get to David. They could have done

15:12 Speaker 2: all of these things. So there's a reason why God

15:15 Speaker 2: is taking you through the wilderness season. Because God wants

15:18 Speaker 2: to protect you. God wants to watch your way you.

15:22 Speaker 2: This is my belief in this season, and I'm just

15:25 Speaker 2: choosing to trust that. You know what, Yes, I'm in

15:28 Speaker 2: a wilderness that doesn't make sense. You know, when I

15:31 Speaker 2: was thinking about how this man could have felt like,

15:33 Speaker 2: why am I crippled in this wilderness? Why did that

15:36 Speaker 2: person had good intention to save me? But why did

15:39 Speaker 2: that person save me? I should have also died. At

15:41 Speaker 2: least I would not be suffering like this. You may

15:44 Speaker 2: feel like that. You know, I was thinking about this

15:46 Speaker 2: that when I was forty five days old, I became

15:49 Speaker 2: very sick and I was about to die, you know,

15:52 Speaker 2: and God miraculously rescued me. And even this morning, I

15:55 Speaker 2: was just asking God when I was frustrated, I was

15:57 Speaker 2: telling God, God, why did you heal me? At that point?

16:00 Speaker 2: I should have might as well died, Like how this

16:02 Speaker 2: man might as well felt like I should have might

16:04 Speaker 2: as well died. Why did this person show kindness and

16:07 Speaker 2: rescue me? You could feel like that today. You know,

16:10 Speaker 2: I'm just being honest, just being open with for you.

16:13 Speaker 2: But in the midst of that pain, I want to

16:15 Speaker 2: share that even if you feel like, Okay, I might

16:18 Speaker 2: as well should have died, No, God still has a

16:21 Speaker 2: plan for you. The same way God reminded David to

16:25 Speaker 2: show kindness to my favor of shit and took him

16:28 Speaker 2: out and restored everything and took him to the palace.

16:33 Speaker 2: I want you to understand that God is going to

16:35 Speaker 2: come out calling your name. He's going to remind the

16:38 Speaker 2: right person to come and rescue you from your wilderness

16:42 Speaker 2: and take you to your palace. He will do it

16:44 Speaker 2: for you. You know. The one thing that I can

16:46 Speaker 2: tell you is that in the midst of all this

16:49 Speaker 2: you can share your heart out. Like I said, I

16:51 Speaker 2: do that, and I want you to do that. At

16:53 Speaker 2: the same point, you understand that the one thing that

16:56 Speaker 2: we can all bank on is the faithfulness of God.

16:59 Speaker 2: He will never leave us, not forsake us. You know

17:02 Speaker 2: this is my assurance, even as a step into the

17:04 Speaker 2: new year, that even though I have all these questions,

17:07 Speaker 2: why God, Why why this delay, why this is not happening,

17:10 Speaker 2: Why aren't you answering my prayers? I still choose to

17:12 Speaker 2: trust him because I know that one meeting with the

17:15 Speaker 2: king took him from this wilderness to sit with the king.

17:20 Speaker 2: You know, it says that very regularly he was sitting

17:23 Speaker 2: with David in the palace for having meals. As reminded

17:28 Speaker 2: of how Joseph was in a similar state. Everything was

17:31 Speaker 2: going in the bad direction all the time, but one

17:34 Speaker 2: touch of God's favor suddenly took him from the prison

17:37 Speaker 2: to become the prime minister equivalent, from the prison to

17:42 Speaker 2: a dude to the palace. You know, our God is

17:45 Speaker 2: a God who can do the impossible in your life.

17:48 Speaker 2: You know, I just wanted you to trust God's leading,

17:51 Speaker 2: God's ways, God's words and be open. This poured out

17:55 Speaker 2: your heart and He will strengthen you through and you

17:57 Speaker 2: will see wonderful results. Thank you so much, guys, and

18:01 Speaker 2: I will see you back in the next episode. God

18:03 Speaker 2: bless you.

18:04 Speaker 1: You've been listening to Fuel for the Soul with John Gifta.

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19:00 Speaker 1: Soul with John Gifta. God bless you.